Confessions of a Love Drunk (Fool)

Last night, a friend of mine drunk-texted me and said, “Hindi ko na kaya. Mahal na mahal ko pala sya. Parang wala lang sa kanya.”, and I got into thinking of how life can be one helluva stage. You get by your day to day activities, doing your part and not minding that annoying voice in your head that repeatedly tells you to feel. When you finally welcome this semblance of freedom from all your fears and uncertainties, you wake up one morning and realize… I cannot do this alone. Then it hits you. You are mad… mad at that stupid sunset that sugarcoats your pain, mad at that stick of cigarette that tricks you into believing that you’re calm. A series of questions pop up, notwithstanding the yoga pose that you are desperately trying to hold. It only takes one trigger to make you feel again.

Then you start to blame, because really, how can he pretend that he doesn’t know? How can he bare looking at you in the eye, holding your hand and hugging you despite that ugly white elephant between you that refuses to be ignored? How can he not fucking give you a break? If I could count the number of times that I thought I’ve already resolved the predicament that is not being with that person, it will surpass the number of times that I’ve accepted that inevitable fate that is loving him, with or without anything in return. AND THAT SHOULD COUNT.

But there will be times that it just doesn’t. The fact remains, no matter how perfect you think your love story should and could have been, it isn’t one.  No amount of alcohol, nicotine or caffeine can numb your already tired heart from that persistent pain. And what stings the most is the sadistic truth that even if a tsunami of feelings attack you daily, to him, it was and still is nothing.

So, the trick really is to create an emotional black hole that will zap out all the galaxies of emotion that you currently feel. I guess one has to wait for the big bang before he/she is able to create a void that will naturally result to moving on. After all, it is quite logical to assume that a void will leave you unscathed right? Yet, when you feel empty, you generally feel unhappy… which kind of defeats the purpose of this whole idea of fighting loneliness with emptiness.

Holy week makes a lot of people reflective of their lives at present, along with the issues that come with it. I say, let’s just fasten our seatbelts and try, with all our hearts and minds to survive. 

Love and Football

I think, LOVE really is more like football, you work hard in trying to defend your goal, and it takes some time before you can score a point or two, but when you do, everyone who’s been watching you and supporting you from the sidelines celebrate with you. And even if you don’t, you’ll be happy to call it a day, hope for the best and be thankful that you survived the game, with a little muscle pain to remind you of how tough it is to be in THAT field.

Most importantly, if you’re lucky, THERE WILL BE HOT, SHIRTLESS MEN waiting for you in the locker room. Bright side, people, bright side.

-"Until Then, Twenty Ten"  

The Law and Economics of Lust, Love and Life

The Rambling

Here’s what I need you to do. I need you to get over yourself and stop basking in the glory of being my “the one.” And when I blog about love, please don’t arrogantly presume that it is your love that I speak of.

When people tease me about not being able to move on from this one great love, don’t give me that knowing smile that glorifies your certainty of it being you.

If I say that I don’t like playing games anymore, don’t silently contemplate on what you did to make me think that you’re playing with me and my stupid heart and effin’ with my brain.

And when I say I still love him, never ever walk away. Because even if these things that you are sure of are absolutely true, one thing remains the same… I want to be friends with you. Not to wait for your love nor to make you realize that it is I who am destined to be with you, but to make you understand that in the same way that I consider you to be one of my best friends, I am yours too.

That’s what still matters. That’s what still counts.

Now, what are you still doing in that pretending-to-be-discreet corner, awkwardly looking at me from afar?

The Correspondence

Dear You,

Please do not think that I have, even for a second, forgotten my quest to finally find you, to finally find us. I do get it. I do get why I haven’t met you yet. I sometimes find myself uttering defensive statements like, “I don’t see myself getting married in the near future, not even in the far future.” Or “I am content with being who I am, single and fabulous.”, and honestly, I mean them. Not to be defeatist or anything, but I find it imperative for me to first be happy with being with myself before I, or should I say, we can delve into the matter that is US.

You have become my most cherished thought, my constant answer to the question, “What else should I look forward to?” At this point, besides true financial freedom and everything that comes with financial wealth, I have achieved what I’ve planned to achieve at twenty six. Yes, there are a few imperfections that are in need of tweaking, and yes, there are bumps on the road that may feel and look more like roadblocks than bumps, but they don’t bother me anymore. I don’t see them as roadblocks but as guides. These guides, I believe, will lead me to you.

Here comes the romantic part of the letter. It is meant to be a love letter after all, for you, and about you. I know that either way, with love, you should be able to accept me for who I am, and by now, it is quite clear that who I am and who I will be is something that I have control over. I have come to love myself because I want to give justice to my love for you. I don’t want to be a hypocritical lover because hypocritical love is the worst love. I breathe for myself, live for myself and love for myself not to be selfish but to be able to selflessly surrender to you… at my best. There is no rush for you to get here and well, there is no rush on my end to get there either. You should probably take your time in the same way that I am taking mine.

Be still, even if we are reminded daily of the dilemma of how short life is. I don’t deny it. It is very true. Yet I feel that we don’t need to cram. Remember that when we finally meet, (notice how I say “WHEN” and not “IF” – remember, even FOREVER is a prescriptive term.), we’ll be ready with an endless number of stories to share and the gift of insurmountable eagerness that will get us through memory loss, pain and all things that are ironic in life.

Our hearts beat with a rhythm; listen to our unfinished melody, soon, your words and my words will rhyme. Take care of your heart for me, and I promise, I will take care of mine.

Love,

Me

The Dilemma

Ever wondered what she might be truly feeling? She knows she may never become "HER" yet she sticks around because you need her. She sets aside her self esteem, sense of self and her life because she wants you to feel and understand that she can go through a lot for you. She doesn't demand because she knows she has no right to demand. She takes care of you because she cares, because she cannot bear to see you broken. She does her best to fix you because she considers you to be a part of her. She doesn't pressure you to change because she has accepted you for who you are. She laughs at your jokes because she aches for your laughter that is intended for someone else. 

Yes, she can never be perfect, she never claimed to be one, but if being funny is the only way for her to make you feel better, she'd rather be funny at the risk of not being taken seriously, than be perfect and burden you. She cradles your ego because she wants to let you know that for her, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. She gives you a break while she painfully tries to conceal her own need for one. She drops everything because you are everything, and with you things are in their proper places. She chooses to settle for a carefree, hassle-free non-relationship because that's all you offer her. 

Your "excess time" is her "precious time". You can go on and on like this but she can only take so much. She fills the emptiness in your life because she wants to be a part of it too. She knows that you mean no harm, that's why she doesn't take it against you that you continuously hurt her, unconsciously.

How much time do you need? She wants to ask you that too, along with a lot of other questions.

The Waking

I don’t like seeing you. Only because when I do, I ask myself questions with answers that bring pain. I inevitably find myself asking, “Why wouldn’t you love me? How could you not have loved me?”

And just like water with strong current, the answers come painstakingly rushing to me without restraint but with fierceness that not only carries me but drowns me in sorrow.

I know why. You just can’t. You have a picture of someone you’ll love in your mind and an expected feeling in your heart. You have a picture that does not fit me, a picture that unsurprisingly, does not even remind you of me.  

You have a feeling that you have been constantly searching for, a feeling that will convince you to take the leap with me, for me. It didn’t come, did it?

But today, I saw you.  I am glad I did. I needed the jolt, the harmless but persistent shock that’s reminiscent of electricity flowing through my veins or what’s  left of my subtly walled heart .

It doesn’t matter that you didn’t love me, what matters is that I can take the pain now. It’s not as lethal as it used to be. It felt like a pinch, not enough to hurt me, but enough to wake me up.

I’m awake now. You’re no longer my dream.