The Best Friend Theory: October 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Friday, October 15, 2010

Here we are, having coffee at the exact table where we’d write messages on napkins, suggest songs to listen to, find reasons to talk under the guise of casual cigarette breaks and pretend to study. I can’t believe it’s been years. Looking at her now, one moment kept playing in my head, a moment that happened three years ago.

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I knew she was secretly staring at me. Through her sunglasses, I can feel her gaze. She wants to say something and is finding it hard to start, being adorably cute that way. To end her misery, I looked up, and met her implied gaze. “What?”

She found her opening, took no time and ranted, “I don’t understand why I, someone who has so much love to give, cannot seem to find someone to give my love to.” She closed her book and looked at me expectantly. I know that “wide-eyed” look, it’s her signature expression when she needs me to do something for her. At this point it was clear that she wanted me to give her the explanation to such an obviously silly question. But there was a sense of urgency in her tone, it sounded like answering it was the most important thing in the world.

“Don’t worry. For all you know, he’s just around, waiting for you to figure it out.” I lit my nth cigarette for the evening, taking my cue. She dictates our breaks. But she wouldn’t admit that, she’d always come up with lines like,

“Hey, you don’t have to stop studying ha?” And she lit a stick too, further demonstrating the lack of sincerity in her disclaimer. “Anyway, eh, where is HE? SERIOUSLY? I think there’s a CONSPIRACY here. A lot of my friends, the really caring and loving ones are single. It’s like the universe is sending the message that well, WE are not ENOUGH. I AM NOT ENOUGH.” She was waving her hands methodically, aiming to emphasize the words “conspiracy, I and enough.

“You are a drama queen. And believe me, you are more than enough. “She rolled her eyes and started to type on her laptop. Later that night, I’d read a blog entry that says,

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I have it all figured out. Why haven’t you?

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Looking back, I still am left wondering why I didn’t just hold her highlighter-busy hand and say, “To ME, you are more than enough,”

“You missed the moment.” I heard her say.

Startled, I asked, “Ha?”

“I just told you I’m engaged! You missed the moment!” Faking a “hurt expression”, she was smiling and pouting, oblivious to what was going through my mind. “You probably don’t remember, but three years ago, a wise man told me that I’m more than enough. I believed him. And so, here I am. Happy.”

“That was so wise of that wise man.”

So foolish of that foolish heart.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

From Nothing

Love and Fear

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Negative Pregnant

Reality and Madness

The One You Know

This scene is too familiar. I know and remember their faces, the tone of their laugh, the way they hold their glasses and raise them for another foolishly pointless toast. Everything looks the same, yet, somehow, they seem totally different.

“Stay.” I heard him whisper as he put his arm around me, comfortably, almost arrogantly. I remained still, refusing to be disrupted in my contemplation. “The you that I know will stay. For me.” He added.

Without looking at him, I answered. “Exactly.” Then I walked away. As a half smile escaped my lips, I silently told myself, “This is for me.”

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Correspondence

Dear You,

Please do not think that I have, even for a second, forgotten my quest to finally find you, to finally find us. I do get it. I do get why I haven’t met you yet. I sometimes find myself uttering defensive statements like, “I don’t see myself getting married in the near future, not even in the far future.” Or “I am content with being who I am, single and fabulous.”, and honestly, I mean them. Not to be defeatist or anything, but I find it imperative for me to first be happy with being with myself before I, or should I say, we can delve into the matter that is US.

You have become my most cherished thought, my constant answer to the question, “What else should I look forward to?” At this point, besides true financial freedom and everything that comes with financial wealth, I have achieved what I’ve planned to achieve at twenty six. Yes, there are a few imperfections that are in need of tweaking, and yes, there are bumps on the road that may feel and look more like roadblocks than bumps, but they don’t bother me anymore. I don’t see them as roadblocks but as guides. These guides, I believe, will lead me to you.

Here comes the romantic part of the letter. It is meant to be a love letter after all, for you, and about you. I know that either way, with love, you should be able to accept me for who I am, and by now, it is quite clear that who I am and who I will be is something that I have control over. I have come to love myself because I want to give justice to my love for you. I don’t want to be a hypocritical lover because hypocritical love is the worst love. I breathe for myself, live for myself and love for myself not to be selfish but to be able to selflessly surrender to you… at my best. There is no rush for you to get here and well, there is no rush on my end to get there either. You should probably take your time in the same way that I am taking mine.

Be still, even if we are reminded daily of the dilemma of how short life is. I don’t deny it. It is very true. Yet I feel that we don’t need to cram. Remember that when we finally meet, (notice how I say “WHEN” and not “IF” – remember, even FOREVER is a prescriptive term.), we’ll be ready with an endless number of stories to share and the gift of insurmountable eagerness that will get us through memory loss, pain and all things that are ironic in life.

Our hearts beat with a rhythm; listen to our unfinished melody, soon, your words and my words will rhyme. Take care of your heart for me, and I promise, I will take care of mine.

Love,