Last night, a friend of mine drunk-texted me and said, “Hindi ko na kaya. Mahal na mahal ko pala sya. Parang wala lang sa kanya.”, and I got into thinking of how life can be one helluva stage. You get by your day to day activities, doing your part and not minding that annoying voice in your head that repeatedly tells you to feel. When you finally welcome this semblance of freedom from all your fears and uncertainties, you wake up one morning and realize… I cannot do this alone. Then it hits you. You are mad… mad at that stupid sunset that sugarcoats your pain, mad at that stick of cigarette that tricks you into believing that you’re calm. A series of questions pop up, notwithstanding the yoga pose that you are desperately trying to hold. It only takes one trigger to make you feel again.
Then you start to blame, because really, how can he pretend that he doesn’t know? How can he bare looking at you in the eye, holding your hand and hugging you despite that ugly white elephant between you that refuses to be ignored? How can he not fucking give you a break? If I could count the number of times that I thought I’ve already resolved the predicament that is not being with that person, it will surpass the number of times that I’ve accepted that inevitable fate that is loving him, with or without anything in return. AND THAT SHOULD COUNT.
But there will be times that it just doesn’t. The fact remains, no matter how perfect you think your love story should and could have been, it isn’t one. No amount of alcohol, nicotine or caffeine can numb your already tired heart from that persistent pain. And what stings the most is the sadistic truth that even if a tsunami of feelings attack you daily, to him, it was and still is nothing.
So, the trick really is to create an emotional black hole that will zap out all the galaxies of emotion that you currently feel. I guess one has to wait for the big bang before he/she is able to create a void that will naturally result to moving on. After all, it is quite logical to assume that a void will leave you unscathed right? Yet, when you feel empty, you generally feel unhappy… which kind of defeats the purpose of this whole idea of fighting loneliness with emptiness.
Holy week makes a lot of people reflective of their lives at present, along with the issues that come with it. I say, let’s just fasten our seatbelts and try, with all our hearts and minds to survive.
