The Dilemma

Ever wondered what she might be truly feeling? She knows she may never become "HER" yet she sticks around because you need her. She sets aside her self esteem, sense of self and her life because she wants you to feel and understand that she can go through a lot for you. She doesn't demand because she knows she has no right to demand. She takes care of you because she cares, because she cannot bear to see you broken. She does her best to fix you because she considers you to be a part of her. She doesn't pressure you to change because she has accepted you for who you are. She laughs at your jokes because she aches for your laughter that is intended for someone else. 

Yes, she can never be perfect, she never claimed to be one, but if being funny is the only way for her to make you feel better, she'd rather be funny at the risk of not being taken seriously, than be perfect and burden you. She cradles your ego because she wants to let you know that for her, YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH. She gives you a break while she painfully tries to conceal her own need for one. She drops everything because you are everything, and with you things are in their proper places. She chooses to settle for a carefree, hassle-free non-relationship because that's all you offer her. 

Your "excess time" is her "precious time". You can go on and on like this but she can only take so much. She fills the emptiness in your life because she wants to be a part of it too. She knows that you mean no harm, that's why she doesn't take it against you that you continuously hurt her, unconsciously.

How much time do you need? She wants to ask you that too, along with a lot of other questions.

The Context

“How is she?”

“Ok, I guess.”

“Why can’t you just date her? I mean, you’re always together!”

“We’re just friends.”

“So? That’s the best beginning to a relationship.”

“If I date her, it’s within the same context of me dating you.”

“Oh. Right.” They both looked away, and let silence define the moment. 

The Waking

I don’t like seeing you. Only because when I do, I ask myself questions with answers that bring pain. I inevitably find myself asking, “Why wouldn’t you love me? How could you not have loved me?”

And just like water with strong current, the answers come painstakingly rushing to me without restraint but with fierceness that not only carries me but drowns me in sorrow.

I know why. You just can’t. You have a picture of someone you’ll love in your mind and an expected feeling in your heart. You have a picture that does not fit me, a picture that unsurprisingly, does not even remind you of me.  

You have a feeling that you have been constantly searching for, a feeling that will convince you to take the leap with me, for me. It didn’t come, did it?

But today, I saw you.  I am glad I did. I needed the jolt, the harmless but persistent shock that’s reminiscent of electricity flowing through my veins or what’s  left of my subtly walled heart .

It doesn’t matter that you didn’t love me, what matters is that I can take the pain now. It’s not as lethal as it used to be. It felt like a pinch, not enough to hurt me, but enough to wake me up.

I’m awake now. You’re no longer my dream.

The Promise

“Promise me you won’t be gay.”

“Ulol. Do I look like someone who’ll be gay?”

“Just promise me.”

“I don’t have to. Remember, your men turn gay, ONLY, when you start liking them.”

Her lips formed into a coy smile and said, “Then, promise me.”

Taken aback, he looked up from the book that he was pretending to read and whispered,  “I promise.”