I don’t like seeing you. Only because when I do, I ask myself questions with answers that bring pain. I inevitably find myself asking, “Why wouldn’t you love me? How could you not have loved me?”
And just like water with strong current, the answers come painstakingly rushing to me without restraint but with fierceness that not only carries me but drowns me in sorrow.
I know why. You just can’t. You have a picture of someone you’ll love in your mind and an expected feeling in your heart. You have a picture that does not fit me, a picture that unsurprisingly, does not even remind you of me.
You have a feeling that you have been constantly searching for, a feeling that will convince you to take the leap with me, for me. It didn’t come, did it?
But today, I saw you. I am glad I did. I needed the jolt, the harmless but persistent shock that’s reminiscent of electricity flowing through my veins or what’s left of my subtly walled heart .
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t love me, what matters is that I can take the pain now. It’s not as lethal as it used to be. It felt like a pinch, not enough to hurt me, but enough to wake me up.
I’m awake now. You’re no longer my dream.
No comments:
Post a Comment